A long lamented, but heretofore ignored, problem among participants of Renaissance Faires and other period Re-Creationists is a syndrome known commonly as Faire Nerdism.

This syndrome can start, innocently enough, by visiting Renaissance Faires as a guest. It progresses through such stages as not being able to get enough until finally one finds hinself or herself working at such events. In extreme "grand mal" cases, the victim may actually volunteer for a position on a Faire's Board of Directors or, in what are known as terminal cases, becoming a show producer. The only treatment left for folk who are so far gone is banishment to Montana.

To find out if you are a victim or carrier of Faire Nerdism, or if you are just exhibiting slightly nerdish tendencies, take the following test. 'Yes' answers = 1point.

1. Do you own more calligraphy pens than ball-point pens?
2. Are you a Jethro Tull fan?
3. Do you find the recorder an exciting musical instrument?
4. Do you mix modern speech with "Ren Talk"?
5. Do you dress up in costume and wander around an event site on the Friday night BEFORE things actually start?
   • Speak dialect?(+1)
   • Speak Elizabethan?(+2)
   • Pretend to be someone else?(+3)
   • Pretend to be the Queen?(+4)
6. Do you start looking forward to the start of Faire season at the end of Faire season?
7. Do you resent having to work a real job and doing your own laundry?
8. Do you know what a real job is and what clean laundry looks like?
9. Does your car move by an act of Faith?
10. When you tell people about what you do on weekends do they recommend a good doctor?
11. What is a reasonable drive time to an event?
    • 2 hours (+1 point)
    • 4 hours (+2)
    • 6 hours (+3)
    • 8 hours (+4)
    • 10+ hours (+5) (abondon all hope of being normal)
    • "Out of state" (+6)
12. Do you really miss 'Faire Boogers'?
13. Have you seen "Highlander" more than 10 times?(+1)
    • 'Lady Jane' (+1)
    • 'Excalibur' (+1)
    • 'Camelot' (+1)
    • 'Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure' (+1)(+1 bonus for Sean Connery)
    • 'Time Bandits' (+1) (+1 for Sean)
    • 'The Name of the Rose' (+1) (+2 for Sean)
    • 'Monty Python's Holy Grail' (+2)
    • 'Jabberwocky' (+3)
14. Do you put on your bodice at home and practice balancing beer mugs on your chest? (Men, if you do this its hormonal)
15. To buy a new costume will you..
    • Skip a car payment (+1)
    • Not eat of drink for weeks (+2)
    • Skip rent, again (+3)
    • Mortgage your house (+4)
    • Sell the kids to Medical Science (+5)
16. Is your favorite architectural style old wood and mud? (+1)
    • Wattle and Daub? (+2)
    • Uncut stone? (+3)
    • Thatched roof and logs? (+4)
17. Is your collection of historical and/or fantasy books valued over...
    • $100 (+1)
    • $200 (+2)
    • $500 (+3)
    • $1000 (+4)
    • $5000 (+5)
    • $10,000 (+6)
18. Does the smell of dirty underwear and armpits...
    • Excite you? (+1)
    • Remind you of your youth? (+2)
    • Considered a rite of spring? (+3)
    • Make you crave the smell of a gump on a Saturday night? (+10 & literature on the interesting people and sights in Montana)
19. When you go to workshops (or Collegium) do you take notes?
20. Are you a "Black Adder" fan? (+1)
    • Have episodes on video tape? (+2)
    • Can quote episode dialogue? (+3)
    • Own a black leather doublet? (+5)
21. Have you ever...
    • Worked Faire? (+1)
    • Been asked,"Aren't you hot in that? (+1)
    • Been asked,"Are you in a play?" (+2)
    • Been asked,"Did you make that yourself?" (+3)
    • Been asked,"Are you the Queen?" (-1)
    • Accepted women walking around in chainmail bikinis as normal? (+4)
    • Taken a Noble seriously? (+5)
    • Purchased a piece of the 'original' main stage? (+10 Montana awaits)
22. Do you stop cutting your hair and/or shaving your beard in January? (Women, if you do this its hormonal)
23. How many Faires, tournaments, events,etc do you attend per year?
    • 1-2 (+0)normal
    • 3-4 (+1)
    • 5-7 (+3)
    • 8-10 (+5)
    • 11 or more (+10 Montana has no indigenous faires and there isn't one within a 10 hour driving radius)
24. Do you assume that anyone you talk to will automatically understand the terms... (+1 each)
    • SLO Faire
    • SCA
    • Ren Faire
    • privy
    • story teller
    • Faire tan
    • LHD
    • Toad-in-a-hole
    • Bangers
    • Turkey
    • wombat
    • ring-in
    • goon squad
25. Do you refer to yourself as a "Renny"? (+10 dead giveaway)
26. Do you refer to Gatorade as 'bat sweat'?
27. Do you wear your costume...
    • Friday through Sunday nights? (+1)
    • To dinner on Saturday night? (+2)
    • At home for no reason? (+3)
    • To bed? (+4)
    • In the shower? (+5 Note: it rains in Montana)
28. Men only: How many pictures of headless women do you have? (+1 each)
29. After three-day weekends...
    • Can you lean your costume against the wall? (+1)
    • It disintegrates off your body? (+2)
    • You get home, pass out, your costume takes itself off and climbs into the washer? (+3)
    • Leave it in a pile on the floor until the little furry animals make a home of it? (+4)
    • Put it in your costume box and remove it as a solid block next weekend? (+5)
30. Can you quote...
    • Shakespeare? (+1)
    • Queen's show? (+2)
    • Reduced Shakespeare? (+3)
    • Monty Python? (+4)
    • Faire rules and regulations? (+5)
31. Do you find living in the last decade of this current millennium...
    • Exciting? (+0 normal)
    • Boring? (+1 losing touch with reality)
    • Frightening? (+2 too much CNN)
    • Mundane? (+3 lost touch)
    • Barbaric? (+5 left no forwarding address)
32. Have you ever lived on Faire site? (+10)

SCORING:

0 or less: You're probably a Trekkie

1 - 20: The condition is not so bad that you are a total social leper. Most people don't understand you or what you are talking about, but "who cares?". They're boring mundanes anyway!

21 - 40: The condition has moved into a serious stage. Most people point at you diring those few times you actually venture out in public. Most video rental shops know you by name and stock, 'Lady Jane', Highlander', 'The Name of the Rose', and any other Sean Connery movies.

41 - 60: You are incapable of holding down a real job during April, May, and June. You know the owners of every thrift store within a five mile radius of the hovel you call home. If the shop owner is a Faire Nerd too he probably has cots set up in the back room for sleep overs.

61 - 80: You're cronic. Thou dealest not with all the goode sence that God did bestoweth upon a turnip. Thou cannot foretell the difference betwixt the reale and mundane worlde. Thou knowest most of the peasants who do surround thee to be the scurvy, ignorant rabble that they are.

81 - 100: Montana is just behind California in total land area. It has a population of 750.000. There are two interstate highways, the I-90 running east and west, and I-15 running north and south. It is a lonely place to rest and recover from the "too much fun" that you've been having.

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