Fri, May 22, 2009 (11:50am)
My goodness, is it May already? Must be time for another weblog entry, so people don't think I've dropped off the face of the earth.
I've been thinking a lot about why I'm spending less time with my weblog upkeep, and with keeping in touch with friends in general. It's true that part of it is that I'm addicted to an online browser game (Yes, my infamous a Tribal Wars habit) but I think it's more than just that. After all, this isn't the first time I've been addicted to a computer game (I recall The Sims a couple years back, and before that, various RPG MUSHes) and previously I didn't withdraw quite to much from social contact.
Part of it, I'm sure, is that I've just gotten out of the habit of being social. When the Live Role Playing Society dissolved, I lost my weekly dose of socialization, and have been noticing a trend towards the anti-social habits I used to have. I don't strike up as many conversations, don't go out of my way to keep in touch with people as much, and actually find myself getting seriously over-stimulated in a large group of people.... to the point where I don't want to be touched/hugged by some of my more "demonstrative" friends or don't want to eat at the same table with a noisy crowd. I can do it if I'm expecting it, or have worked myself up to it, but it takes energy and I find it very draining.
This confuses a lot of my gamer friends, who think I'm withdrawing and turning into a very different person. To those people I would say No: this is just me relaxing back into the kind of person I've always been. Being social takes a lot of energy, and lately, I've been putting my energy into very different things.
So what have I been doing with my time and energy?
Well, yes, I have been playing a lot of Tribal Wars. If you took that away, though, I doubt I'd spend much less time on the computer. I'd go back to playing The Sims, or I'd just play Solitare for hours straight. What I am doing, is unwinding. Actively unwinding. Finding things that take my brain (which has a habit of running in obsessive loops) and give it a vent. Some people do this by listening to music, or going to the club, or by drinking. I've never found any of those to really work well for me. I can't just turn my brain off. I need to give it a different direction in which to run, until I can disconnect and relax.
For the last 8 years, I have been occupied with raising kids. The last 5 or 6 of those years have been filled with more than just the average child-raising concerns, though, as I've had to take a crash course in Autism, Aspergers, Attenion Deficit Disorder, Sensory Integration issues, Theory of Mind, Speech and Language Pathology, Individual Program Planning, Government Beaurocracy & Red Tape, Alberta Education special needs coding, Gluten&Dairy-free cooking, and so many other things I never realized I'd need to know about. It's been a wild ride.
Through it all, I have had a great support system. James has been amazing beyond the ability of words to express. My family has been understanding, my Mom has provided babysitting, my Dad has kept our vehicles running smoothly, and I've had many, many friends who have been there to lend an ear over a plate of New Asian butter-chicken, take me out swimming, commiserate about the frustrations of raising their own special needs kids, or sometimes just offer to stand with me against the faceless crowds and their disapproving looks.
I am in a good place right now. It has been a very difficult half-decade, but I feel like I'm on my feet, and everything is going to be okay.
And that's probably why I'm falling apart, now. Because it's finally safe to do so. I don't have to keep my shit together constantly, or always put on a smile and a smooth veneer for my friends. There are days I cry, and there are days I am almost painfully depressed, and there are days I refuse to do any housework and just take time to do what I want. But every day feels a little better at the end... like there's more of ME left over, and less of a burden to be carried. I work a lot less, and am learning to play a lot more. It goes against my strong CRC work-ethic sometimes, but I need to spend time relaxing, and enjoying what's on my plate.
Thanks for your understanding.
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